donthesitate's Blog

blah. theres too much, too many thought in my head. to many contradictions, Theres an infinite amount of problems, and i dont have to answer or think about all of them.

what the hell do i do? idk. who am i talking to to? am i just weird? do i need help. god this is all just too negative. just be positive? OK!....eh not.

i dont want to think anymore. everything is just blah now...its just too overwhelming.

i jsut want to let everything go, forget every thing, forget my past actions, thoughts, memories, dwellings....the past is not me. its the past. i dont have to be or do somthing that i did in the past. I can be new right now. I can choose to notdwell on those things, start anew right now. I dont HAVE to remember anything.

ok so...i have these thoughts in my mind, sort of like "answers" or just things that are not important at all that i feel like i NEED to keep  reminding myself of. But when i actually remember the thought i realize that its just another stupid thought.

The past few hours i have stopped myself when i was on the verge of trying to remember those thougths again. ANd im doing pretty good, i feel a bit lighter, a bit clearer, but also a lot more unsure. Im not sure if i should keep this up,  i think i want to.  But will i jsut forget about that memory forever?? i dont think i will, cause ive rehearsed it to many times in my mind, even if i cant recall it completely right now.

Ok whatever...im gonna go for it, i will see how long i can go with this. I wont give in to the urge! It probably sounds wierd and stupid to some but its tough for me. I've been stuck like this for too long, reliving, dwelling, remembering, repeating, regessing. Let it go forever and ever

patience, let go, free your mind, stop the voice inside your head, practice meditation, practice patience, be who you want to be, do what you know is right,

let go of the desire to remember somthing trivial and negative, stop trying to let go and just do it! do it! do it! do what???? i cant do anything....calm your mind, slow down, its fine....

Well yeah, that how my mind runs pretty much all day. I just cant seem to do anything to.,,,change my situation. I feel like i try somthing...and it works for a while....but then i lose it again.

Breath, breath free, dont hold  your breath! dont let anything stop you from breathing...

I guess....i guess i talk to myself A LOT, inside  my head....

hmm has this blog gone on long enough?? idk...but im not done! i could right forever i think...

Im about as confused as i can be, i think. I've had a lot of thoughts that seems to help me out but  the good feelings are only temporary, so then i have to move on to another thought. I need somthing permanent, constant, I want a change in my life and i never want to return to this confusion again.

How can i give any advice when i totally fucked up myself?

sometimes i wonder what people would do if i just went up to them and said "HELP ME!" i feel like i want to, alot. maybe i need help. anytime i kinda ask for advice i dont really show them that im feeling really really confused becuase i'll just talk about some insignificant problem and skip over whats really bugging me. I'm afraid to release it all out. Hiding my misery is the worst.

fear....fear....of the unknown..fear of what MIGHT happen...becuase of what happened in the past.....

What is this thing called truth? the truth of who i am? I dont know what the truth is, i dont know who i am.

Well i think...only YOU can help yourself ultimately. If you dont want help you wont get help. People can give you advice but you can choose to not take it.

Something ive been struggling with is...should i just try to help myself without ever telling anyone around me how i feel? Somthing doesnt seem right about that

AHHHHHHHHHHH
 

theres a good start. my current mood..on the inside. on the outside im as calm as can be..

sometimes i right suff that doesnt even make sense and i want to erase but then i feel like im not "being myself" if i erase and think about what im gonna say..

 so fuck it.  Its just too easy to get confused about...everything. damn, i cant even write right. im not even telling anyone about me...

   Sometimes, alot of the time, i just feel really selfish. ALl i talk about are MY problems, asking people to help ME. Like i think im the center of attention or somthing? or i wanna be?? idk....

I read in a book by eckhart Tolle very shy people ...tend to feel both extremes around people.....feelings of being completely inept, completely worthless compared to others; inferior.  ANd on the other side when they feel like they are better, or smarter than others; superior.  I kinda feel that way..like i just keep going back and forth, back and forth....

oh well thats it for now..does anyone feel similar to that?